Complement, p.10
Complement, page 10
part #3 of Connectivity Series
“It really is gorgeous, isn’t it? I’ve only ever known things that were green and covered in moss. It was such a change to come here and see all the rocks and red dirt and blue sky. Even though my hiking excursion didn’t turn out so great, it was so beautiful to see all the unique formations and colors. I was already trying to think of when I could go to the Grand Canyon, but now, if you’re up for exploring a little bit, maybe we can go together.”
“That sounds cool. I’ve never really done much exploring on my own, but I would love to take up something like that.”
“I know exactly what you mean. When I was in school, everything was all friends and sports and hanging out and trying to fit in. I mean, I know I only graduated a couple of months ago, but I’ve already seen and done more in those two months than I ever did during school. It’s like you work your ass off to get to graduation, then you’re just shown the door and sent on your way. I guess most people probably go on to some kind of school or something, so it’s just like taking the summer off, but for me, leaving the state was probably the scariest, bravest, and most amazing thing I’ve ever done. And I did it alone. I got my own apartment, set up my place, cooked for myself... Well, maybe not ‘cooked’ but I fed myself, and I planned my first little trip, literally.” Ash laughed and the sound warmed Nick’s heart. “But probably the best thing about leaving Oregon was that I found you, or you found me, however you want to put it. And maybe fate really did have a hand in getting us together. It just took us both going through a lot of stuff we hated to get to where we are now.”
Ash had a soft smile on his face as he looked back at him. “You remember yesterday when I touched your shoulder and then apologized and clammed up?” Nick nodded. “I’m sorry about that. I hope you can understand that I have severe body image issues and I would never want someone to touch me without my permission. Almost anything coming into contact with my chest, or really my upper body, is a hard line for me. It makes me so self-conscious.” Nick nodded again, totally understanding what he meant. Ash looked down and messed with the edge of his shirt. “Would it be weird… Or, I mean, you can totally say no, but… Um… Can I kiss you?” He looked up. “Or is that too weird? Because we don’t really know each other that well and maybe you’re not into me that way, but I think you’re really nice and super cute and yeah… I wanted to talk about it first because I’m not really sure how I would feel if you touched me back that way. I’ve never kissed anyone before.”
Nick smiled softly back at Ash, both hating and loving his vulnerability. It took a lot of strength to be willing to put yourself out there like that and risk getting hurt. But Nick looked forward to the time when Ash felt confident enough to not have to explain or ask permission and would just do what he wanted when he wanted. “Yeah, I think it would be okay if you kissed me. And I won’t touch you unless you want me to, okay?”
Ash nodded with a shy smile on his face, then took one of Nick’s hands and brought it up to his face. Nick left it in place against Ash’s cheek and watched as he closed his eyes, seemingly soaking in the contact. When he opened them again, he slowly pressed forward and closed the distance between them.
Ash’s lips were warm and so soft and even though the kiss was short and planned out, the tender feeling he got in his chest at being able to share that moment with Ash, made him wonder how he’d ever found kissing anyone else enjoyable. Ash’s lips were like the soft petals of a rose on a summer morning, delicate and so sweet.
Ash pulled back and looked up at him with the biggest brown eyes. He didn’t say anything but after a moment, pressed in again and placed another short, soft kiss to his lips. Without a word, he broke the kiss and then climbed into Nick’s lap and wrapped his arms around his neck. Nick returned the gesture and they sat that way for a minute before Ash’s softly whispered words hit his ear. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Ash pulled back. “We should probably get some of your stuff packed up so we can get to the store before dinner.”
Nick nodded, not feeling the need to break the quiet moment they had going, but Ash climbed off his lap and stood next to the bed while Nick got out his duffle bag. He didn’t empty his drawers but he took several outfits and Ash asked if he had anything in the kitchen that he could pack up while Nick finished in his room.
“Not really. I have a few things in the freezer and the fridge but I don’t want to take any of that if we’re going to the store and not straight home. We’ll get it another time. I do have some bathroom stuff if you want to get that. I know we haven’t really talked about any of our plans with your mom, but will she be cool with me moving in? I’m not exactly a small guy and your room is kind of tiny. Where do you think all my stuff will go?”
“She obviously knows that we need to be together. I wouldn’t really expect that she’d think I’d leave and come stay with you, but I know what you mean about space. We’re going to have to figure something out though. For now, let’s just get it over there so you have some things there and we won’t have to come back for a few days.”
Nick handed him his toiletry bag, and Ash left to collect his things from the bathroom. When Ash came back in the room, Nick paused what he was doing as a thought occurred to him. “You know what I just thought of?”
“What?”
“So, that time I went over to Cory’s house to talk to him and ended up getting kicked out? I don’t know why I just remembered this, but as I was leaving, I noticed a brand new twin bed in the back of Jim’s truck. That’s Cory’s dad, by the way. But I never even thought about it until just now. Do you think Josh was moving in? That’s got to be what the bed was for, right?”
Ash thought on it for a moment. “It’s possible, yeah. They would have had to be together, just like us, so either Josh was moving in or Cory was moving out. Obviously, Cory’s parents understood what was going on and were helping them get settled. It would make sense that they would just bring in another bed. Does Cory have a big house?”
“No. Only three bedrooms but one of them is an office for his parents’ business. That must mean that Josh was moving into Cory’s room. He had a decent sized room so I could see another bed fitting okay.” Nick stared off into space for a minute as he zoned out over his realization and how he’d played such an awful part in the new Connection Cory had had with Josh. They had to have been going through so much over those first few days and adjusting to a whole new life for themselves, plus getting to know the person you were supposedly Connected to for the rest of your life… God, he’d been such an asshole to them. Basically freezing Cory out then showing up at his house, uninvited, demanding answers. No wonder Jim had kicked him out.
Ash came over and lightly wrapped his hand around Nick’s forearm, drawing him out of his daydream. “I know you feel bad. Every time you think about it, you get this look on your face. Once we get home, why don’t we sit down and call them? I know you’ve apologized, but it’s different now. You understand. It’s hard to make up for things that have happened when you’re just spouting words. Now that you have some sense of the emotion behind your actions, it will go a long way toward repairing your friendship. Cory seems willing to extend the olive branch, so take it. It’s gotta hurt to lose your best friend like that. Get him back. I’ll be right there next to you the whole time.”
Nick looked down at the little cheerleader he had in his corner. “You’re kind of amazing, you know that?” Ash smiled. “Can I kiss you? No touching, though. I know.”
Ash nodded with an even bigger grin and Nick cupped the side of his face and pressed a soft kiss to his sweet lips.
When he pulled back, Ash slowly blinked open his eyes, a soft blush staining his cheeks. “I’ve never been kissed before,” he said shyly and Nick couldn’t help but do it again. Nothing funny and nothing over the top, but just a warm pressure and closeness of presence. He would let Ash take the lead in whatever situation they found themselves in. If he wanted more once he felt comfortable, Nick would be there, right by his side, to help him along.
~
When they finally made it out of Nick’s apartment and to the grocery store, it was near dinner time. Ash suggested they fix something simple for dinner and they picked out a watermelon, corn on the cob, and a few fresh chicken breasts.
“Do you need any more painkillers?” Ash asked as they set the bag of groceries down on the floor in the kitchen. “You haven’t taken any since this morning and you should probably change your bandage. If you’re going to be wearing your hat until you get those stitches out and your hair grows back, you’d better take care of it. You’re probably sweating through the bandage and it’ll need to be changed more often.”
Nick took his hat off and tossed it on the counter. “I’ll probably only wear it when we go out. The little bald spot is so obvious since the cut runs from my forehead into my hair. Maybe I should shave it until my hair grows back. What do you think? Would you hate me with short hair?”
Ash looked back at him and then held up his hand like he was blocking the hair out of an image. “Well, your hair is kind of gorgeous. It’d be pretty sad to see all those black strands on the floor, but then again, it is summer and it’ll be cooler without it. I wouldn’t think it would take very long to grow back, so if you’re up for it, why not? At least you won’t have to wear a hat all the time.”
“I’ve never shaved my head before or even had my hair really short, like buzzed or anything. It’ll probably take forever to feel normal.”
“Well, if you decide to, my mom has clippers since she does my hair. Just let her know or I could probably do it if you just want it shaved all the way around,” Ash said as he put away the cereal and bread that Nick had purchased. “Did you want any medicine?”
“Nah, I’m good. I guess I should be glad I slept the worst of it off in the hospital. I’m sure it would have been really painful to be awake for the first few days after.”
“They had you pretty well knocked out with painkillers. My mom was doing her thing and asking all the right questions to make sure you were comfortable. It helps to have a nurse in the family.” Ash grabbed out a lighter and nicked his chin to the other room. “Follow me out back and we’ll start the barbeque?”
Nick nodded and followed along. “Oh, yeah. I haven’t even seen your backyard yet.”
Ash pushed open the back door and they stepped out onto the hot and sunny patio. Ash’s yard was fairly small, just like the rest of the homes in the area and there was a white slatted wooden structure that covered a portion of the patio to provide some shade. There was a medium-sized patch of grass and two planters on either side of the yard with flowers growing in them, but Nick couldn’t help but notice the large tree in the back of the yard with a treehouse in it.
“My dad and I built that when I was eleven,” Ash said, standing next to him on the patio. “He taught me how to measure the wood, and use a hammer. We built it over the summer between fifth and sixth grade. We called it my safe space. Whenever I was feeling weird or insecure and just needed some time for myself, I would come out here and my parents wouldn’t bother me. They told me that it would always be private and just for me. Since our house was so small, it gave me someplace to escape to, you know?” Ash half-laughed, half-shrugged. “I can’t even tell you how many hours I’ve spent crying in there, just hating myself and wishing I was different.” Nick wanted to offer some comfort to Ash but wasn’t sure how much contact would be allowed.
“I’ve never taken anyone up there before,” Ash continued. “I never really had anyone close enough to call a best friend, but it was my sanctuary, my space. After my dad died, I would beg my mom to let me sleep in there, just so I could feel closer to him. It was a really hard time for both of us.”
Nick reached down and laced their fingers together. “We’ll get you where you want to be, Ash. I’m sorry you didn’t have anyone to lean on. I never had a problem making friends but Cory was hands-down the best of the best. Hopefully, in time, you’ll be able to lean on me and we can be there to support each other.”
Ash nodded and a small smile formed on his lips. “I can hardly believe you’re actually real. I mean, logically I realize that you exist and are standing next to me, but the last few years have been so hard and a lot of the time I’ve felt lonely and isolated like no one would ever know the real me. And I know we’re not there yet, and I’ve only known you for a like two days, but you’re already probably my best friend. You know more about me and what I’m going through than anyone else. And I can’t tell you what it means to me to have your support and acceptance.
“I mean, in the back of my mind I’ve probably thought about what it would be like to find my Complement a million times, but then I’d have to get real and imagine what kind of reaction they would have to me telling them that I’m trans. I’ve pictured every worst case scenario you can imagine: from total rejection to complete disgust and a thousand other things.” Ash squeezed his hand and continued, “Thank you for being so much better than I could have ever imagined and thank you for supporting me. It hasn’t really even sunk in yet that I’m actually going to get top surgery.” Ash smiled, his whole demeanor changing as excitement filled his eyes again. “I know I’m going to be nervous when the actual day finally arrives, but I can’t stop thinking about how I’m going to look after. I’m finally going to have a flat chest and I won’t feel so self-conscious about my body. I’ve barely let myself think about it because I knew I still had a long way to go, but you fell into my life and changed all that and it means the world to me.”
Ash hugged him and Nick wasn’t going to waste the opportunity to offer some comfort and hugged him right back. Those little moments when Ash allowed himself to receive the comfort he so desperately wanted were not very often, but even over the course of their day, he’d been more open and physical than Nick could have hoped for. After his confession that morning and his obvious discomfort with his body, he’d allowed for more hugs and even those few kisses that had been like watching a frosty morning thaw and turn into a beautiful day. It was so inspiring to just spend time with Ash that Nick felt lucky to even be allowed into his innermost circle of those he trusted. Nick would have to agree that it was certainly nice to have someone in his corner as well.
“Thank you for opening up to me, Ash. I know it’s hard for you to trust and I’m really glad that you seem to trust me already. I want so much to comfort you when you get upset or seem down on yourself and these little moments you’ve shared with me are really special to me. I know it’s uncomfortable to hug me, but I appreciate you taking that step and going out of your comfort zone.”
Ash nodded and when he pulled back he moved over to the barbeque. “It’s hard, yeah, but I feel kind of safe with you. I’m not saying I’m going to go running around without one of my binders on or anything, but as we’ve been getting to know each other, I don’t feel like I have to be quite so standoffish or guarded. You already know all my deepest secrets and insecurities and that makes it a little easier and I find myself wanting to be close to you.” Ash closed the lid to the barbeque and came up to Nick again. “If you ever want to hug me or anything, just ask. It’s still super awkward but I’m getting more comfortable with you and that will definitely make things easier.”
Nick readily agreed and followed Ash back into the lovely air-conditioned house. It was such a change from Oregon where one rarely used the air conditioning, if you even had any, to ninety plus degrees and air conditioning everywhere you went.
They chatted easily as they prepped their food and Nick commented on how impressed he was with Ash’s culinary skills. Ash explained that he’d had to fend for himself once his mom had gone back to work and he’d slowly learned more and more about how to cook. Apparently, he’d started with sandwiches and frozen dinners, which Nick laughed at and Ash said there was hope for him yet.
When dinner was eaten and their mess cleaned up, Ash pulled Nick into his bedroom and plopped him down on his bed. “I know you’ve been avoiding calling Cory, but we’re going to do it together. Let’s just get it over with and then we can watch a movie or play video games or something. You both need this to get back on track. I don’t know if it’ll make everything alright but you’ve gotta try. You’re a mess over this whole thing and I’m sure Cory doesn’t feel much better.”
“When did you get so smart?” Nick asked teasingly. Ash grinned and curled up next to him while Nick pulled out his phone. He blew out a deep breath. “I’m nervous. I’m not really sure what to say.”
“Start by saying hi. Put it on speaker, though, so I can talk too. It’ll be cool to talk to another Connective couple.” Ash nudged him and nicked his chin out to the phone.
“Bossy…” Nick muttered and nudged Ash back. He grinned and Nick couldn’t help but smile back. “Alright. Just do it and get it over with.” Nick swiped the screen and pulled up his missed call history. Even though the number didn’t have an assigned name, Nick could probably recognize it out of hundreds. He sat there for a moment just staring at his phone, trying to come up with an opening line, but Ash, the little sneak, reached over and tapped the call icon before he could pull his phone away. Nick glared at him and Ash just shrugged as he hit speakerphone and the call rang out loud.
“Nick?” Cory’s voice answered and just hearing it caused a knot to form in Nick’s stomach.
“Hey, Cory.”
“Dude, I’ve been trying to reach you for a month and so has Travis. What the hell? Since when did you get a new phone number? I finally had to stop by your parents’ house and, to my surprise, guess what? You don’t live there anymore. Your dad wouldn’t tell me where you were but I assume you’ve already left for school. Are you in Utah right now?” God, that was so like Cory. Just lay it out there and no beating around the bush.
Ash snickered from right beside him and pointed to the phone, mouthing the words, I like him. Nick glared and Ash smiled wide, wrapping his arm around Nick’s as he held the phone.
